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| The first anime I ever saw was "Revolutionary Girl Utena" the
movie. I was attracted to it because it was bizarre and new. It hit me
at a vulnerable time; my father and mother had just been murdered. I
became obsessed with the "emptiness inside" theme of the movie, and
felt that this related to my life somehow. I watched Evangelion next,
and absolutely loved the depressing feeling both of these shows left me
with. I am a person who loves depressions; I feel that I am at my most
creative and "raw" when utterly depressed. The empty feeling these
shows gave me filled me with emotions I wanted to recapture.
Like
an addict seeking another hit, I kept downloading more and more
programs, watching tons of shows. At one point, I had two shoeboxes
full of CD-r's packed with Anime programs. I had a library of just
about every show ever made. I became obsessive, but I wasn't finding
that feeling that was originally there. Sure, I could recapture it with
great stuff like Serial Experiments: Lain and Millenium actress, but
that was only for a moment.
Eventually, I stopped watching the
shows I was downloading, but just grabbed them for the sake of having
them. I had to have more. I bought DVD's and didn't watch them.
Gradually, over time, I felt my aesthetic become warped. What once was
strange and bizarre looking character design became familiar; I sought
it out. If I caught a glimpse of an anime style character in real life,
I felt a rush; almost as if my hindbrain saw it before I was aware of
it. I was visiting a Japanese tea Garden and saw real life schoolgirls
in the familiar navy blue fuku uniforms. I was fascinated by them; I
was drawn, attracted, but not in a sexual way; it blew my mind to see
something in real life that I had before seen only in the abstract.
A
familiar feeling came through me when I saw them. I felt the same at
that moment as when I had first seen Utena, when I had first finished
Evangelion. My obsession took a new direction.
I bought several
sailor fuku uniforms from online retailers. J-list was too expensive
and didn't sell in the size I desired. I had to have the legitimate
stuff. At first it was satisfying to just look at the uniforms. I would
keep them clean, iron them, and hang them up every day. The ritual was
soothing to me.
Sooner or later I had to do it. I had to wear
the uniforms I had treasured. I am proud to report that it took me a
few months to break down, to really cross the threshold into utter
depravity. After that line had been crossed, though, there was no going
back. Tentatively, I started by simply wearing the uniforms around the
house. I would wake up very early, before anyone could glimpse at me
from outside on the street, and simply do my cleaning and cooking
wearing the various uniforms I purchased. I got a matching apron. I
would pretend I was getting ready for Japanese High school.
Soon,
though, wearing the uniform in private was not enough. I purchased a
duster trenchcoat and began walking through town wearing my outfit.
Nobody knew, and this made me comfortable. But, again, this soon became
insufficient to satisfy my obsession.
I began stalking this girl
I knew, Sarah. I checked out her routines; when she left for work, when
she got back, what time she went to bed. At first I furtively ventured
into her place with my uniform under my trench coat while she was away.
I knew where her spare key was because I had helped her move earlier.
Speaking of this, I'm a pretty beefy guy. I weigh around 240-260
pounds, but I'm not that tall. A great friend to have if you need to
move.
Anyway, gradually, I became more comfortable in her apartment. I
started doing stuff like rolling around in her bed, stealing her
underwear and putting it in little plastic bags, soforth. As you would
expect, I became more and more comfortable doing this, and crossed a
line. She came home unexpectedly one day, early from work. Panicked, I
hid under the bed in my uniform. Immediately, as she came through the
door, she spotted my trench coat. Lying under her bed, the sound of my
heavy breathing seemed a thousand times louder than it actually was. I
could hear her rooting through the trench coat, and could hear the
wrinkling of celophane as she found my empty plastic bags. Thank god
they didn't yet have her used underwear in them.
I put my sweaty, meaty hands together and prayed.
I
heard her walking around the apartment. Thankfully, she didn't bring
anyone with her. My mind was flashing; the excitement had triggered my
epilepsy. Suddenly, I was barraged with memories from my first anime
program, revolutionary girl utena. I heard her walking around some
more, and then sit down on the bed. I saw her clothes come off and hit
the floor in front of me. During this time I was controlling myself and
having a minor epileptic fit. I could see transformation sequences from
anime programs I had watched. It was all coming together; the near
hallucinations, the girl in the bed above me, and most of all, my
sweaty fuku uniform.
She approached the bathroom and got into
the shower. She turned on the water. I was convinced that this was the
one moment I had been searching for. This was my chance to cross over
into the other world described in Utena; the fabric of reality was
thin. I could taste it. In many of my anime programs I had seen the
seemingly normal characters, like me, enter into a world of magic and
joy.
I rolled out from under the bed and bounded into the
bathroom. She saw my large form approaching through the glass of the
shower and started screaming. I was having epileptic flashes; the
screaming sounded just like "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" I was having trouble
walking, my steps staggered. I couldn't feel the floor. My meaty hands
slammed the shower door open, but she sprayed me with a jet of water.
The water triggered another fit and I seized, falling into the bath.
She tripped and fell on top of me. As she was screaming and my blood
filled the bath, it swirled around reality, and intermingled in my
mind. Her screams, the blood, my sweat, the uniform, Japan,
schoolgirls, magic, tragedy, terror, and hope all become one to me. For
one moment, I could taste it. The anime reality. It was here, like a
precious jewel perched between my meaty, sweaty pectorals. And then,
gone.
SO yeah I like anime.
-Seth Huber
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| You know what? After reading a few xanga's I gotta say that some
of you people spend too much goddamn time to make your xanga look
pretty. Mine looks like a piece of shit but at least you can read
the damn crap.
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| I wonder why I even bother... | | |
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